Yay I am in! I remembered my password. I will type an entry ASAP. It is 2AM now and I need to go to sleep. But before I log out, I want to share a hope, maybe it can be a prayer: I hope to reconnect and amend with all of my old friends. I miss you. -Jason Tittle

 

 

Howdy. It's been so long, and I've been "away" since forever. And? And I don't know why. One minute you're connected with your friends, learning about each-other's lives and sharing insightful thoughts with one-another, and then the next minute you're disconnected, forgetting to go back to the place where you once were in life. I dunno. Anyway I thought I could at least write a New Year's Day entry. My old friend Dayna has suggested more than once that I write entries into this web-journal. A good idea. :-)

 

Well, so how long now has it been, I wonder, since I last wrote in this? Good heavens, maybe a year or more. Tisk tisk, how can that be....

 

I live with my Grandpa now. I was living with Morgan Whipple, Kenny Lewallen and Matt Simmons before. But there came this point where I felt like God was asking me to do something rather extreme (i.e. leave). Besides, I didn't like the direction my life seemed to be headed--I felt like things (school, Church, and maybe some other stuff) were moving too fast or something. I dunno, it sounds weird I know, but all in all I just wanted to be alone for a while and think more deeply about my life: so I moved to Chapel Hill. I lived there with a female roommate named Jeanne for about three weeks, and then (joy) I found I had the entire Condo all to myself. The experience was amazing: an entire home, all to one's self! I practiced my violin, started reading this book refuting Ayn Rand's "Objectivism" (it was cool, but a little deep for me, like an acquired taste maybe), fixed gimpy little recipes (I had this delicious Cajun-like pasta that I fixed: cheap and good), watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Charmed often, and observed the Weather Channel as hurricanes of various sorts began introducing themselves to America. I also explored a little of the town I grew up in, and revisited old places I missed deeply. I also kept up with Fox News--the Michael Jackson case, those terrorist bombings in London, et al--and I also enjoyed Live 8. Live 8 was fun to watch.

 

Now, this is where things get "icky." This is probably an area where my Psychiatrist would say my Major Depression was surfacing (or something), and manifesting itself in the form of a mental breakdown. Either I have a mild form of Schizophrenia, or I had a case of Major Depression. Anyway, I'm not really sure about all this, it's really the first time anything like it has ever happened to me in my life: somehow I got it into my head that God wanted me to join the Freemasons, and for some strange reason I thought my landlord was a Freemason. In August my Landlord came to live with me (my peaceful and wondrous apartment no longer belonged to just me anymore), and I blindly asked him to be invited into the Masons. I don't know what was wrong with me: I just kept asking him. I really thought he was a Freemason. This was indeed one of the oddest and lowest points in my entire life: he would tell me "no, I'm not a Freemason," and then I thought he was testing me or something, so I just kept asking further still, altogether about 13 times. Well, I freaked him out (naturally), so he kicked me out of the apartment and I had to come live with my Grandpa.

 

Asking my roommate landlord over and over, for entrance into the Masons, maybe I was trying to pull a "Joan of Ark:" once at a young age she pestered a King into agreeing to see her, and just before she entered the Royal Courts this King, for amusement, dressed as a lowly peasant, and stood and blended into the crowd around the Royal Throne. This King had another person pretend to be King in his place. But then, in walked Joan: no one told her a thing about what had happened, yet when she entered the Court, instead of walking to the Throne, she turned right to the "peasant" King, kneeled, and kissed his feet. (I think she kissed his feet—not sure, but I know she identified him in the crowd at least) Well, I had it in mind that I could mystically "infer" things in the way of Joan. lol maybe I thought I was a Psychic. But I'll never try that again. Life gets confusing sometimes.

 

As it stands now, I am a Roman Catholic, and not a Freemason. I discovered that God didn't really want me to be a Mason the way I thought He did (otherwise my stupid, blind instincts about my roommate landlord being a Freemason would've been right on. But they weren't: I was wrong, so wrong.) My Faith in Christ is sufficient anyway; I don't need them (the Masons). Besides, (this thought has crossed my mind more than once) the Masons are a highly secretive organization said by some to worship Lucifer. I never intended to worship the devil; I thought the Masons were with God. Maybe they worship the devil, maybe they don't. Perhaps then, my entire struggle was against a *confusing* spiritual enemy. Maybe the devil was perplexing me. One can never really say.

 

So I got to my Grandpa's and my mental breakdown progressed further still: the Catholic part of me thought God was punishing me for trying to go into the Masons. I thought my world had somehow transformed into a sort of Purgatory. So when I was eating in front of my Grandpa and step-Grandma, I got off my chair, came to my knees, and started praying out loud for God to deliver me. A few other things happened which made my Grandparents think I was having deep mental issues, and so my Grandpa called a Behavioral Health center. I was admitted in the midst of a breakdown I was having. (Sigh) To anyone reading this, I cannot tell you how hard it is for me to write the words I'm writing. It's like confession or something. It's worse than confessing sexual sins to a Priest. How humiliating it is to say that you've actually been in a "mental hospital." But truth be told, I was saved by my experiences at the hospital: I found peace, relaxation, support, restoration, counsel, friendship, and above all love. lol there were some pretty cute nurses too! To be sure though, I wasn't in an insane place or anything like that: most of the people in there simply had Bipolar disorder.  

 

Please excuse my language, but: at that time I was fucked up. I didn't know anymore exactly what in Heaven God wanted of me to do in this life. I was perplexed. (I still am, a little) I felt guilty for trying to join the Masons, all the while in trying to join them, I was just trying my very best to do God's will. I have an amazing capacity for feeling guilt, which came into play in my breakdown: Before the 1980's any Catholic who joined the Masons were automatically excommunicated; so naturally a part of me was afraid I'd sinned gravely. I thought I was destined for Hell. But I never stopped trying to do God's will. Sure I'd sinned in little ways along the way, but I never stopped trying. Searching and trying. Yep. And this is for all those who may have felt like I abandoned them: I wasn't trying to abandon you or our friendship. I was always just trying to do God's will. That's actually the over-arching reason why I went to Chapel Hill in the first place, in June 2005. I read this scripture, "He who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is not fit for service in the Kingdom of Heaven." I read that line of scripture about not looking back, and I somehow got it into my head that God wanted me to lose my possessions (computer, desk, bed, papers, music CD's, et al) and seek a peaceful learning environment: Matthew 16:26 says "For what shall a man [truly] gain if he shall gain the whole world but forfeit his [very] soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?" Excellent scripture. (Not the exact translation, but close enough)

 

***Please note: I beseech thee, do not try going at the Scriptures all alone. My personal experience has taught me, that they can really mess you up if you interpret them wrong. Think about this seriously please: you take this piece of literature which you believe to be *infallible* and the Ultimate End of all things, but in so doing you unknowingly misread it: this will mess up your life. Why? Because the Bible, as we all know, is something you will, beyond the shadow of any doubt, take *absolutely* seriously; and if you're acting in real life so positively seriously on misinformation then there's no way around it: you're gonna get screwed up. I'm learning that the Bible is just too serious a thing to go at all alone.

 

I don't know if God really did want me to abandon people and things the way I did. I'm only human: there's no real way I can ever truly know whether I'm, in all entirety, obeying GOD. Who can tell me? Not even the Pope can tell me: he just deals with Doctrines of the Church. And not even a Priest can tell me what to do: the very best they can do is remind me that God loves me, and then ask me (ME, Jason Tittle—I, who am virtually clueless about all things pertaining to my very self and the Universe in which I live!) to examine whether I feel I'm "doing the right thing." (Sigh) As a Sixpence None the Richer song says, "It's so hard to know what I'm supposed to do." And it is. If there were ever an obstacle for me to overcome, it is this: knowing what in life I'm supposed to do, and where I'm supposed to go.

 

 

 

 

Well, so here I am this New Year's Day. In about one week I'll start school again at CPCC. Hmm… what else. Well, I'm reading this book now called Chosen by God. It's about Predestination. I won't say whether I believe in Predestination or not: one way or another we come to Christ, so who needs to argue about the details? I will however mention that the Bible in more than one place mentions Predestination: John 15:16, John 17:6, Eph 1:4, Eph 2:10, 2 Thess 2:13, Rom 8:29, 1 Peter 1:2, and I'll bet there are more.

 

Anyway I'm excited about school. And I'm thinking about buying a laptop. It'd take all my money, but... I just may go for it. Anyway I'll say, the year 2005 taught me a very valuable lesson (hearken hither and shall share it with thee): friends and family are the most important "things" in the universe. When you come crashing down in life, who can you rely on to help save you? You will rely on your family. The same is even true in the grand scheme of eternity: when the sky comes crashing down and your breath falls short once and for all, it will be your Royal Family--your one and only Father, Brother, High Priest, Savior and Lord Jesus Christ who whisps you away to Heaven. Jesus is your family. That's why He's saving you. You're His brother, His child, His baby lamb. There is no higher reality that that of family. GOD Himself is a Family: the Trinity is an eternally coexistent unity of three Divine Persons. The year 2005, for me, has taught me to never let go of family. And so never again will I run away from my loved ones. Never again will I run away. (I think I'll be in Charlotte for a good while.)

 

 

Friends!      Hello again!

Well, about my life... but first, do you like my church? St. Patrick's in Racine! Awesome? No?

Well anywho. My mom just met this guy she's interested in, his name is Anthony. Anthony isn't Catholic (I think he's Baptist), and yesterday (Sunday) he gave me this antiCatholic book to read, called Angels and Demons, by Dan Brown (the guy who wrote The Da Vinci Code). I took a look at the book yesterday evening, and then handed it back to my mom this morning and asked her to give it back to him. Eww! The book is so disgusting. Apparently Anthony failed to realize, that not only is that book antiCatholic, but it's also antiChristian, period!!!!!!! And, for anyone wondering: so too, is The Da Vinci Code. Yuck! Nathalie, after reading that, you should take a breath of fresh air and read The Da Vinci Hoax, by Carl E. Olsen, and Sandra Miesel. $15.95 plus s&h, here: http://shop.catholic.com/cgi-local/SoftCart.exe/online-store/scstore/p-R2090.html?L+scstore+mlcx9333ff782678+1101915550

Moving along...
oh wait, did I mention it was Sunday (yesterday) when this guy handed me that book? THE FIRST TIME EVER THAT I GO TO MASS, AND WHAM! SATAN STRIKES! Imagine that...

but anyway... *before* the guy handed me that book, yesterday after Mass (in which I did *not* receive Eucharist, as I have not yet confessed some sins, and haven't been Confirmed as a Catholic), I went to the library to do some fun, peaceful Sunday reading (when I e-mailed the group with my "e-mail of peace"). Yesterday I started reading J.R.R. Tolkeins The Hobbit, again. J.R.R. Tolkein was a devout Roman Catholic himself, truth be told now. :-)

I picked up on the last part of The Hobbit, where I'd left off over a year ago when I stopped reading it upon comming down to Charlotte. I don't know why I stopped.

Hmm... what else now. Ah, Dayna, I hope you're well and okay and all that good stuff. "Peachy," is what I'm trying to say. I hope you're peachy. :-) I did pray for you.

Oh that reminds me... this may seem like an awkward place to throw this in, but it's on my mind: have any of you ever had an experience where you just look at a person and *whew*, it's like you've spiritualy connected and read each others hearts? Wow, lol that's what happened to me yesterday at the library, when this cute redhead... well anyway I think you get my point. I figure it's a blessing from God, or a snare from Satan. We'll know soon enough, if I end up meeting her again. (I mean, I'll find out what or Who she believes in) Seems like I saw her a couple of years ago... if I recall correctly, her name is Gretchen, and she went to my high school, and is perhaps Catholic if I recall... but I don't know. I don't even know why I'm spouting out names like this when I haven't a clue--I only saw her from afar, really.

Moving on...

I only have until the end of this month to apply to Marquette University. So I'm going to pull everything together at this "last hour," ;-)  and see what God does or does not want for me. After all, I feel like He already gives me entrance to MU... it seems He's spoken to me, but I don't know absolutely yet. (((((((Sorry God, I know I'm putting you on the spot, aren't I?)))))))

I trust and obey. :-)

Well, that will do it for now I suppose. I really do not wish to make this a very long entry. There's always time for more, right? Heh heh hehhhhh, perhaps I'll write again sooner than five months from now...

Jason

Summer has arrived... I thought I'd be glad about it, but somehow I'm just not. It has started off badly for me. My wallet was stolen, and now I don't have any resources it seems... Oy. Sucks so much. Really it does. I've been at home a lot reading, typing, and stuff. I need to get out more, lol! And surely I will. I'm not perfectly certain about my college career. I mean I made all "A's" last semester, but I just don't know what I want to do with my life. I sincerely dislike the spirit that seems to be upon CPCC. If I didn't know any better I'd come out and say that they are indulging in the spirit of the AntiChrist. There are some extremely funky ideas out there: existentialism, self realization, the Christology of Man, and some others... Eugh, these things are so sneaky. These ideas are like little serpents masquerading as good truth. Slimy, sneaky, and unfortunately also they are absolutely BEAUTIFUL! It seems every part of a human wants to indulge in these ideas. But what these ideas so cleverly do is lead one away from a true, personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, God the Son incarnate, Who died for our sins, and then was raised to life by the Father on the third day. Jesus Christ's Earthly mother was the virgin Mary, which means Jesus Christ was not born from the seed of a man. --And these ideas which I've mentioned, they will so surely lead one away from these truths. They lead one away from our lovely Lord Jesus Christ. And then? Death.......Most people today don't even know what these ideas are that I've spoken of. So they might think that they're somehow exempt from worries of having to wrestle with these ideas and the AntiChrist confronting them. But it really doesn't matter what education level you're on, you're going to be confronted with anti Christian ideas, some of which are incredibly tantalizing and tempting to your every being. --Even if you live in a Third World Country. --Even if you live in the Outback of Australia. Even if you're on some wonderful pasture in Ireland. Even if you're a Native American living in an Indian reservation. No matter where you go, no matter how unintelligent you are, you will be confronted by the AntiChrist in some way. Little daily things... People here or there in your daily life. That really hot girl who one day comes to speak with you... The really hot guy who starts to flirt with you... People who you'd be tempted to hand over your soul for... What I'm saying, is that as a true Christian, you WILL be tempted to abandon Jesus Christ. But don't. Apart from Him you are in death. And though sometimes death is seemingly very beautiful, please, for love-sake, don't go dyin'! OK well I figured I'd have more to say than that, but I really don't at this moment... I'll type more about my happy life when I actually find myself having a happy life, lol. Which should be sometime soon I guess.

This has been a very interesting week for me. Very awesome. Wonderful friends! I know it's been interesting for all of us in the gang too. We've all had our troubles... I now find however, on looking back, that I must ask: in my last entry did I really need to mix my confessions with a bunch of defensiveness? Could I not simply express aloud that I'd been sinning and felt so bad, without fear of other Christians judging me? Unfortunately, my experiences tell me: no. I did need to feel protected from judgments. And it isn't for no reason. I mean come on guys, look around you! It seems everyone in churches is always deciding on whether or not your are worthy of this or that, based on your deeds! Is this not true??? OK then if you say not, dear reader, then I must be hallucinating...Either that, or you're blind. Anyway before I leave that at that, I'll leave a quote I read on a profile while chatting with a naughty girl on a yahoo chatroom some time ago: "the only one who can judge me is God." OK new subject: This week has really renewed a passion in me to become a psychologist and/or counselor. I love people so much... (especially girls, heh heh...ok bad joke) I sat in my Psy class today listening to the different methods of helping other people... Psychoanalysis, the Humanism approach, reflective listening...Focusing on your future and changing, as oppose to focusing on the past behaviors (Maslow vs. Freud for ya)... Well there may be something of the two in common...I dunno. All this great stuff in Psychology. People are wonderful treasures. Good heavens, we really need to get past the stupid mistakes we make, and start looking at the beauty that is us humans. God already does, and He has been doing so for quite some time... :-) And He'll continue to do it still........K, different subject: I'm getting really excited about life. This morning I went to www.bc.edu (Boston College). Boston is of course in Massachusetts... Oh gosh, I saw some pics of the school and surrounding areas, and it's breathtakingly beautiful!!! Just the average entering GPA is 3.7 or something, so I'd have to be dedicated, but... I think I can do it. I think I can make it to BC if I wanna. I was thinking about Marquette University a while ago... And now (not rather than, but in addition to Marquette) I'm thinking about Boston College. In fact, both schools happen to be Jesuit. (Well alright, they don't "happen" to be Jesuit, lol, I was selective) Anyway I'm really excited about the thought of it. I have a friend who goes to Boston University (different from Boston College), so maybe I'd get to see him. I think he's in grad school though, so I dunno how well our "social baggage" would mingle, heh heh....... I plan to go to CPCC at least for this coming Fall semester, and then try to transfer into another school this January for the Spring semester... BC only accepts like, 20 credit hours (I think), and so I don't really feel like taking classes at CPCC for nothing. But then again, I didn't include BC on my FAFSA, so I may have to stay for another year... and then there's that one-year lease everyone wants you to sign... Eughh... too much to think about... Ah but hey, maybe if I stay for another semester, I can have a blast! I could take all sorts of drama and art classes and stuff... ooh and maybe I could start playing my violin again! Like, join the CPCC Orchestra. Eww wow, thinking introspectively has its rewards!!! heh heh. Hmm... anything else now...? I'll say thank you, to every one of my God-given friends. Thanks everyone!!! All of you have a wonderful Weekend, and I hope your problems get worked out. :-) In our Lord Jesus Christ, Jason Tittle.

Alright: only my second entry, but (unfortunately) it's time to get into some nitty gritty of me... Two things: #1. lust. #2. the internet. Need I say more??? Fellow males who're reading this, you know exactly what I mean. "Aww crap, there goes my perfect reputation..." Ah yes but, come to think of it: I DIDN'T ASK FOR A PERFECT REPUTATION! No, a "perfect reputation" is something the World has tried to cram down my throat. I never asked for it... Those false Christians are the ones who, by teaching me and others through habitual cold shoulders only for being human, taught me to be ashamed for whenever I am not publicly acceptable or perfect or whatever. What is "publicly acceptable" anyway??? Good heavens, there's no damned thing! In fact, IT WAS THE PUBLIC WHO KILLED JESUS!!! And anyway we poor sinners are the ones Jesus is staring at straight in the face right now, and saying "YOU!!! I LOVE: YOU!!!" Not for the healthy but for the sick... OK anyway, you first mustn't judge me dear reader (for you know in your heart such is WRONG!). And second: everything, even every word I've used here, has its purpose. But I really thought I had that sin of mine conquered. When I came back from Wisconsin after Spring Break, I was so filled with God's Spirit that the computer had nothing on me... Everything had gone; I was a free man. I really don't understand what happened. I guess the stress of the World and Satan's assaults finally broke through... They were so much and so many... It was incredibly hard on me. And yes, I failed in the midst of all that. Even though I didn't have to fail... I could have kept going, according to God's Word. I came to a point where I stopped being diligent, for I grew impatient. I wanted to see Godly results sooner than I got them... I relied more on my expectations more than I did on continuing in the good Way. I sought comfort and strength in others--I began expecting from the very ones I was trying to give to and help. And that's a big no no in helping others... One must be able to stand and yet help others without being so needy to the point where they need those who they're helping... Right? I don't know... I was filled with so much of God's love during this Spring Break, and when I got back, I wasn't diligent enough, and I died of thirst. It's so freaking dry in Charlotte!!!!!!! Why??? In Racine there was so much... One would never thirst in that town, for God's Spirit is truly among them. But here? Charlotte is as a cursed place!!! So many false Christians here. End.

Dear Journal, this is my first entry ever writing in a journal that's made to be seen by other people... lol it feels a bit different, I really must say. ;-) And though, for the most part, this journal is meant to be read by others, I'll still address my words to a journal... What else would I do? Anyway tonight I have Campus Crusade for Christ, meeting at UNCC. It seems like God is calling some people to lead in certain ways and areas at C3. God is surely moving amidst us here in this confusing city of Charlotte, NC. And I am guessing that God will use the Char-Metro portion of Campus Crusade for Christ to do some breathtaking things throughout the remainder of this year, and (especially) next year. Also probably in the years following. Well, I just wanted to get this journal off to a start now; in the future I'll pour my soul into this thing for the sake of my friends, that they may see Christ working in a human; as I am certain He is doing just that in me. Hopefully also, the way my friends witness my expressions will bring encouragement to them (and perhaps others as well); and when I myself am going through some tough times, perhaps they can see it and encourage me--maybe through writing about their own experiences in a given matter. Additionally though, it just helps to know that other fellow Christians are reading what I have to say. Oooh, I just thought about something, and I want to write it before I go: for about three years I've kept a true journal, always addressing my life's troubles, questions, longings, loves, pains and so forth to what I call "Journal." --actually in the beginning, I wrote "Dear Buddy," as I felt my journal was a buddy of sorts... But anyway the point I want to make is, I was in fact addressing my writings to something--or, someONE. When it all comes down to it though, was I not simply writing to God? After all, I knew full well that my journal could never get up and start talking with me... My pen, and those pages were nothing but lifeless matter. Even still though, I WAS writing to someone--someone other than myself, or else why write at all? I can just think it, if I only want to address mySELF. And I wasn't recalling my day by putting down my facts and only my facts: no, I was acting as though I was speaking to a real person of sorts. This, and I know that I'm not schizo (lol), makes me wonder if simply, I was perhaps writing to God after all, as I said... So should I write "Dear God?" No, I personally don't think so... For God knows what's on my mind already, therefore I think it'd be in vain; but in writing to Him we can help ourselves by reading what's been written, to gain another perspective of ourselves which we may not ordinarily notice. Therefore I suppose I'll continue to address my entries "dear journal," but I'll know that along with helping myself and possibly others, God is fully listening...and reading. End.